She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
