Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
