your room smells of hookers.
And success
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
