I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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