she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
