wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
