my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
