just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
