All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
