I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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