if i can run in heels then i can drive
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
