You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
