Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
