He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
