Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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