I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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