I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
