who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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