my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
