He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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