Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
