I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
