My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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