he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
