It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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