I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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