no, he came in my armpit
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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