Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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