i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
