Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My vagina is officially offended.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
