I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
