You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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