go do what you do best...puke behind churches
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
