you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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