Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
