Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
