he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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