I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
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She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
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If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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