There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
