Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
