Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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