I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
