Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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