I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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