I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
