Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
