I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
