I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The air was thick with penises
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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