I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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