Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
