As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
