went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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