I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
