he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
