3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
