im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
