so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I had to cum in my sink.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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