Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
