i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
