One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
