I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
