Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
