Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
