so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
