Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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