I need help removing her.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
